How Trauma Affects Your Body & Your Relationships: When the Alarm Won’t Switch Off

Have you noticed something strange happening in your body lately?

Perhaps a racing heart when your partner seems distant.

Or feeling completely numb or frozen mid-argument.

A sudden wave of anxiety that seems to come from nowhere.

Or perhaps a tension that never quite goes away, even when everything

in your life looks fine from the outside.

If any of this sounds familiar, you are not alone, and you most definitely

are not going crazy!

In my practice, I meet many people for whom these physical sensations

can feel like a bolt out of the blue. Confusing, frightening, and hard to

explain.

Some have been coping for years, perhaps without even recognising

that their past experiences were traumatic at all. And then suddenly, the

body starts speaking...loudly.

Why Do I Suddenly Feel Anxious Even Though I Know I am Safe?

I’ve noticed that this is commonly one of the first questions my clients

ask, especially if the difficult experiences feel buried, or long ago. The

answer lies in understanding how our nervous system works.

Human beings have walked this earth for millennia.

And here is the key: our biology evolves extraordinarily slowly compared

to how fast the modern world changes. Even within your own lifetime,

the world probably looks almost unrecognisably different to how it did

when you were a child.

And yet, underneath it all, your body is working in much the same way

as it did for your Stone Age ancestors.

Those early humans lived in a physically very dangerous world. They

were living moment-to-moment, hand-to-mouth. Their survival

depended on a finely tuned alarm system, that we commonly now call

the fight or flight response. This built-in self-preservation system was

exquisitely designed for survival in that brutal environment.

It kept people alive.

The problem is, that same ancient system lives inside all of us today,

and it cannot always tell the difference between a genuine physical

threat and a painful memory, a raised voice, or a partner who has gone

quiet.

Why Trauma Programmes Your Nervous System to Stay on High

Alert

For people who have been through difficult or traumatic experiences,

this alarm system can become conditioned to stay constantly alert.

Back in those dangerous times, for our ancestors, being on high alert

made complete sense. The realities of their world demanded it for day

to day survival. But their threats, in reality, were mostly physical in some

way, so their bodies had an opportunity to process some of that

“survival energy” through the action of responding to the threat.

Running. Fighting. Escaping.

Today, many of the things our nervous system perceives as threatening

are not physical dangers....not in the same way as back then.

They are more likely a tone of voice. A look. A silence. A memory.

But, the threat part of our brain doesn’t know that. All it senses is that

there is some kind of danger, so it fires up our bodies in exactly the

same way...and there is often nowhere for all that energy to go.

This is not a sign that something is broken in you. It is your nervous

system doing exactly what it was designed to do, based on what it has

learned from your experiences.

It is trying to protect you, to look after you.

What Does a Trauma Response Feel Like in the Body?

The physical symptoms of a trauma response vary from person to

person, we are all individuals after all, but some of the most common

include:

Fight or flight symptoms: Heart racing, chest tightening, shallow

breathing, feeling hot, restless or agitated. An urge to lash out or

escape.

Freeze or flop symptoms: Feeling suddenly numb, shut down or

disconnected. Going blank mid-conversation. Feeling like you have

left your own body. Unable to speak or think clearly.

You might recognise the phrase "fight or flight", but the full picture is

actually fight, flight, freeze or flop.

Think of a rabbit caught in headlights, completely still. That freeze

response has just as much evolutionary purpose as running away. In

moments of extreme threat, shutting down can be protective – if you are

a prey animal, like a rabbit, then freezing may mean the predator can’t

work out where you are.

But as is very clear in the roadkill we see today, what was once a very

helpful response, in the modern day and age, has become very

unhelpful!

The threat has changed.

So if you find yourself emotionally disconnecting during arguments, or

shutting down when someone raises their voice, this is not weakness.

It is not "being difficult"...its your body’s threat system doing what it has

been programmed to do through the survival of every single generation

of your ancestors.

And nowhere do these responses tend to show up more powerfully than

in our closest relationships.

Why Trauma Triggers Show Up So Strongly in Relationships

For many people, these responses show up most intensely in close

relationships; with partners, family members, the people they love most.

This makes sense.

Intimacy requires vulnerability, and vulnerability can feel dangerous to a

nervous system that has learned to stay guarded.

Feeling suddenly anxious around your partner for no obvious

reason.

Becoming highly reactive to small things.

Shutting down completely during conflict.

Feeling on edge when they are away.

These experiences can be deeply confusing, especially when you know,

logically, that you are safe.

It feels like there is a disconnect between the rational and emotional

parts of your mind.

The hypervigilant brain does not always respond to logic. It responds to

what it has learned from the past.

It is worth clarifying that not everyone who recognises themselves in this

will have experienced a clear or identifiable trauma. Sometimes these

patterns develop from more subtle experiences, for example feeling

emotionally unsupported as a child, growing up in an unpredictable

environment, or repeatedly having your feelings dismissed.

And sometimes, what looks like a trauma response might have a

different root altogether. This is exactly why working with a therapist can

be so valuable, not to put a label on your experience, but to help you

understand what is actually going on for you, in your own unique

situation.

Can CBT Really Help With Physical Trauma Symptoms?

This is a question that lots of people ask, because many assume that

CBT is simply about changing negative thoughts, and if their experience

is very physical, then it makes sense to question how working on our

thinking can really help. But CBT is much more than that.

It is an exploration of the connections between your thoughts, your

emotions, your actions and your physical sensations. All four are deeply

linked.

It is important to understand that your mind is created by your brain, and

your brain is an organ, a part of your body, just like your heart or your

liver.

This means there is a profound mind-body connection. And working with

a CBT therapist can mean learning tools and skills to calm the nervous

system...to kind of hack your own biology in conjunction with your

psychology.

CBT helps with the disconnect that we can feel between rational “head”

and feeling “heart”.

Tools such as breathwork, grounding techniques and working with the

thought-emotion-sensation cycle are examples of the kinds of strategies

that can be helpful.

It’s not about erasing from your mind what happened, but about helping

your system feel safe enough to be able process it.

You Don't Have to Feel This Way Forever

If you have been reading this and recognising yourself in what I am

describing (the confusion, the physical sensations, the wondering why

your body is behaving this way) please hear this:

What you are experiencing makes complete sense given what you have been through.

These feelings, however intense and frightening they may be, are not a

life sentence.

With the support of a compassionate and understanding therapist, it

really is possible to heal.

To help your nervous system learn that the past is in the past.

To feel safer in your relationships, in your body, and in your life.

You do not have to keep trying to make sense of this alone.

If you would like to explore how CBT could help you, why not reach out

for an informal chat?

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For some people, trauma symptoms can feel completely overwhelming

and may be significantly impacting their day to day life. If this resonates

with you, please know that you do not have to wait until things feel

manageable to reach out for support; in fact, the harder things feel, the

more important it is to talk to someone.

If you are in crisis or feel you need urgent support, please contact your

GP or call the Samaritans on 116 123, who are available 24 hours a

day.

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Frequently Asked Questions:

What does a trauma response feel like in the body?

Trauma responses can feel different from person to person, as we’re all

individuals. Some people experience classic fight or flight symptoms

(racing heart, tight chest, shallow breathing, or urge to escape). Others

experience freeze or flop responses (feeling numb, shut down,

disconnected, or unable to think/speak clearly). Both are normal, and

both are your nervous system trying to protect you.

Is shutting down during an argument a trauma response?

Yes, it can be. Shutting down, going blank, or emotionally disconnecting

during conflict can sometimes be your freeze or flop response kicking in

(your nervous system's way of protecting you from a perceived threat).

It’s not weakness, and it is not "being difficult"; it is an ancient survival

mechanism doing its job.

Why do I suddenly feel anxious around my partner for no reason?

For some people, if their nervous system has been shaped by past

difficult experiences, it can become hypervigilant. It might start picking

up on cues like a tone of voice, a look, or a silence, and interpreting

them as dangerous, even when your rational brain tells you that you are

safe. This is why anxiety in close relationships can feel so confusing

and hard to explain.

Why am I so reactive to my partner?

High reactivity in relationships can sometimes be a sign of a nervous

system that has learned to stay on alert. Seemingly small things (a

certain tone, a withdrawal, a perceived criticism) can trigger a

disproportionate response because they echo something your brain has

learned to associate with threat or danger in the past.

What is hypervigilance?

Hypervigilance is a state of being constantly on alert for potential

threats. It is common in people who have experienced trauma, and can

show up as difficulty relaxing, being easily startled, scanning your

environment (or your partner's moods) for signs of danger, or feeling like

you can never quite switch off.

Can CBT help with physical symptoms of trauma?

Yes. CBT is not just about changing thoughts, it explores the

connections between your thoughts, emotions, actions and physical

sensations. Working with a CBT therapist can help you understand why

your body is responding the way it is, and learn practical tools and skills

to calm your nervous system and feel safer in your body and your

relationships.

What are the signs that someone is living with chronic stress or trauma?

Common signs include persistent tension or muscle tightness, sleep

disturbance, feeling constantly on edge or easily startled, emotional

numbness or disconnection, difficulty concentrating, and strong physical

or emotional reactions that feel out of proportion to the situation.

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Bio: Sarah Cosway is a BABCP-accredited Cognitive Behavioural

Psychotherapist with over a decade of experience working in mental

health, both within the NHS and in private practice. She offers tailored

CBT in a compassionate, collaborative environment, empowering clients

to build resilience and manage their mental well-being with confidence.

https://www.coswaycbt.co.uk